Christmas cracker gift

This might seem an odd time of year to be writing about Christmas crackers, and not about just any old cracker, but one I pulled between Christmas 2009 and new year 2010.

Yes it sounds very specific, but I remember it vividly, and it helped me to get through from the day I found it until this day 3 years ago, the birth of Sammy!

Anyone reading this must think it must have been something really amazing, maybe one of those huge crackers that contains expensive jewellery or similar, but NO this was a cheap pack of supermarket crackers, pulled around a table at my parents house containing a phone charm.

I still look at it almost everyday, and I get more upset by the boys picking it up to look at in case it gets lost than I do about things like my phone or watch, simply because it reminds me of everything I went through that year.

So why do I feel so strongly about it?

The lead up to Christmas had been stressful, but not for all the usual reasons, we had planned to try to conceive in the New Year, but it wasn’t that simple, as we were looking at having another cycle of ICSI I needed my cycle to be at the right stage in relation to the days that the clinic were open and closed over Christmas and New year, as if anything happened at the wrong time that would mean that we had to wait another month.

Christmas was spent at a hotel with my in-laws, I couldn’t relax as each day I dreaded seeing my period arrive as then it would all be over for another month. I made it to the end of the few days with my husbands family, then we traveled to my family, still feeling on edge about everything, then the crackers were pulled (ok so there had been others during the Christmas break, but this was the important one!)

Out of my cracker came a little butterfly


it wasn’t anything much, and usually cracker gifts end up being put to one side and often forgotten, but this one I had to keep.

At a time when I was feeling so low and alone (remember none of our families knew what was going on in our lives at this stage) I was reminded that I wasn’t alone.

That little butterfly reminded me that I was not the only person sat there having these thoughts, I might not have been able to access the internet at the time, but I knew out there were all these other people having similar thoughts and worries to me.

That little butterfly, reminded me of the logo for Fertility Friends,ff butterfly my lifeline, somewhere I could chat to other people going through exactly what I was going through.fertilityfriends

So from then each time I had a worry and felt alone I would just reach into my pocket and know I was not alone.